Template letter for poor service

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Day greetings,

[INSERT RECIPIENT NAME HERE]

We need to talk, by which I mean shut up and listen.

If I wanted to pick up shit for free, I would do it without the added impost of having to deal with you and your delinquents.

You’re not making the strong argument or genuine connection you think you are.

I haven’t met any of you and already I want to run the other way as fast as I can right now to warn the other villagers about you.

Change my already made up mind, tell me why I shouldn’t just shit in a Fedex bag and express post it you?

Maybe then you can experience the feeling of being delivered the freshly served sewerage you call a serviceable product.

It is without doubt the single worst example of a viable product since Argentina invaded the Falkland Islands.

Make no mistake, if I had a few spare aircraft carriers, harrier jump jets and Royal Welsh Guards they would be on their way to you.

Be very careful about the next thing you say to me, you’re not going to pass the pub test by the time I finish with you.

Be ashamed of yourself, I know drug addicts that could build a better company than what your shoddy outfit has managed.

Questions should be asked about everything you say and do.

Welfare is too good for you.

Disrespectfully yours,

[INSERT NAME HERE]

 

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