PUBLIC OFFENDER

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Greetings of the day,

Welcome to the office of public offender.

Refuse to be censored by the thought police?

Having problems with too many sanctimonious narcissists to get to sleep at night?

Or just tired of putting up with the unfounded superiority complexes and unhinged hypocrisy of too many social justice warriors?

The Public Offender believes the last thing any reasonable person should concern themselves with is righteousness.

There is a point in everybody’s life when the only considered course of action is to start an argument.

Our role is to facilitate and support your democratic right to be as unsociable as possible in adherence to legislation.

Remember – offending is the collateral damage of freedom of speech.

Tell Humpty to grow a pair, freedom wasn’t made without breaking a few precious eggs:

If you are seeking assistance for any of your offending needs, send an email to:

contact

We will get back to you at a time later, maybe never.

Remember,

[insert personal insult here]

Insincerely,

Public Offender

SOME UNHELPFUL TIPS:

You too can insult and offend people in three easy steps:

Step 1. Make it clear you’re spam

When sending your message, never address the person by their name because this indicates you’re sending an individualised email and want a genuine connection. It also runs the risk of the recipient valuing themselves as a human being.

‘Greetings of the day’ is handy because it’s broad, traverses time zones, and really, makes very little sense at all.

Step 2. Insult immediately

While the recipient is dazed and confused about what the heck ‘Greetings of the day’ means, start pelting abuse at their weakened, combusting brain. Use words such as: poor, mistakes, ashamed and pathetic.

Avoid initial pleasantries such as ‘Hope you’re well’ at all costs. You don’t want them to be well. You want them to die inside. You want their souls to be weighed down by anchor text. You want their hearts to be strangled by long-tail keywords.

Step 3. Offer hope without proof

End with wild promises without offering a skerrick of evidence. Change your name, use a Gmail account and don’t include details of your non-existent website.

Want to get started?

If you’re ready to randomly start affronting and offending strangers, say ‘hello’ to this template and ‘goodbye’ to politeness.

Greetings of the day!

RESOURCES:

Template letter for poor service

LINKS:

The history of ‘cunt’

Why we should defend the right to offend

Hilarious ways to insult someone

LEGAL STUFF:

Foundation of public offender

1. Everyone shall have the right to hold opinions without interference.

2. Everyone shall have the right to freedom of expression; this right shall include freedom to seek, receive and impart information and ideas of all kinds, regardless of frontiers, either orally, in writing or in print, in the form of art, or through any other media of his choice.

Clinton 3am defence